June 22, 2010

It started out as Ms. Diesel and I going to Vernon to see Ransom get married.

Then we decided to buy my dads convertible Mustang from him.

We decided to drive it from Langley, BC to Vernon, BC and then on to Red Deer.

Driving a convertible for 15 hours over two days with the top down and sun hitting my forehead I’ve learned a few things…

1. Sunscreen your forehead.
2. A convertible is just a like a boat on land, it has the same feel especially when spending prolonged periods on the road with sun and the top down. I called it the Road-boat.
3. I like to throw my garbage right out the top, I mean besides the obvious of it being there for that reason I like to the think you pay more for a convertible for small conveniences just like this one.

NOTICE: To all bugs. If you find yourself flying by my ride and decide to stop in for a ride, I WILL SQUISH YOU! I’ve already had to do it and I’ve even left the carcass there to serve as a warning to all that follow it. (THIS GOES FOR YOU TOO BIRDS!)

Signed

Can You Tell Which Of The Previous Statements Was False?

Honorable mention to Ms. Diesel who has a seat belt burn, it looks like she’s wearing a sash. She also has one burned ear and one side of her neck is also red.

June 17, 2010

Skattle Call

A new segment on the show.

What a name, we can’t stop saying it…don’t look at Rae she’ll be rolling her eyes, she can’t stop saying it either trust me. Sorry, I should say Funky Town can’t stop saying it.

Think skatting meets calling our Krew members out with an on air skatt battle, it will equal fun, but not like the sweetener Equal because it tastes funny, we’ll taste just fine…wow that took a turn.

Signed

Look For Skattle Call Every Wednesday Morning

June 16, 2010

Rae sits across from me snappin’ and smackin’, the sounds emanating from her orally.

I’ve often closed my eyes and thought I was a kid back at home while sharing an office with Rae.

Ok, so far this blog hasn’t started off very well, the things that race through your head when I use the words; orally, closed eyes and kid are not very innocent, it’s almost as if I can feel what you’re thinking.

As it turns out her snappin’ and smackin’ was from eating sun flower seeds with her mouth, (this is where Rae would point out “what else would you eat with?”). When I was a kid we had a cockatiel named Chico and it constantly cracked seeds to eat as they do and Rae sounds the exact same as he did.

It’s almost as if I’m back at new years of 1989 and the baby sitter just arrived, Momma and Poppa Diesel are on their way to a swanky affair at a friend’s house and my dad has on his trademark blue and slightly darker blue diagonal striped tie. I close my eyes because I’m not happy about a baby sitter, COME ON I WAS 10, just before the baby sitters voice breaks the silence and crackles through the air I hear Dick Clark talking while Chico cracks his seeds, that is where I am this morning, my eyes closed and back in time.

Thank you Rae-mond for being the Doc Brown to my Marty Mcfly.

Signed

We Did Get To Order Pizza So 1989 @ 11:59pm Wasn’t All Bad

June 15, 2010

It’s been raining a long time now, harder today than the week before it.

I like to picture god above the clouds hand crafting each and every raindrop just like he does with snowflakes. I wonder if he brings in outside labour?

I assume he gets upset at having to drop all of his watery creations on us, they all just meld into one wet planet, seems like a bit of a waste. I know if it were me I’d be a little more choosey about how I go and drop my many miracles, I would think I would be quite attached to them.

I’m hoping god also has decent internet speed, I like to think that he keeps up with my blog, I’m hoping he’ll agree and not wanting to waste his liquid creations he’ll stop raining on us.

Let’s just hope hobos aren’t in greater supply, an umbrella won’t help you with them.

Signed

Soggy Monkee

June 14, 2010

I’m wasteful…

On any given day I like to have 2-3 baths, a shower and even hit the hot tub. I’m sure this comes from my mom telling me I should have been a fish when I was younger, apparently I was that good of a swimmer…looking back I wasn’t all that aqua-dymanic, I was NOT sleek in the water, I’m now thinking that I was such a good swimmer because I was more buoyant than the other kids, it may or may not have been due to my rotund shape.

Fast forward 20 years later and someone says “who can swim well?” so I pipe up with “over here!” I jumped in the water and realized I was in fact not a great swimmer, even my doggie paddle wasn’t great. Turns out without Momma Diesel holding me a float by my belly or the Scooby Doo water wings rising me above the wake…and by wake I mean the waves I myself created as I slipped into the water, I am by no means a Phelps kind of guy.

Ok this blog got away from me, I was going to talk about planting a tree just so I can chop it down, that was going to be the wasteful conclusion.

I did plant a tree this weekend, it looks very nice, when it gets big enough I’m going bury hobos under it…OH SH*T, did I just say the bury hobos thing?!...I meant I’m going to nap under it, so peaceful…that is until a hobo hand pokes through the ground because I didn’t bury him all that well.

WOW, talk about taking a twist.

Signed

I Didn’t Even See This Blog Coming

Ps…see I even waste good hobo meat…OHHH SNAP!

June 11, 2010

One word and one phrase too add to your Diesel Vocabulary…

Wiff Waffing – This is a combination of waffling and wish washy. Example; if someone is going back and forth on a decision and is being ify even about that then they are Wiff Waffy.

Bescoff- This is a combination of the words besmirch and scoff, if someone is assassinating your character, or something related to you and there is laughing at all involved they HOW DARE THEY BESCOFF YOU!

Just a couple of new ones you may one day see in Websters.

Signed

The Wordsmith

June 10, 2010

Things my dad was always on about…

-put things back where you found them

-start a job finish a job

-kids get off my lawn

-don’t leave that water on the hard wood floors

-I’m actually glad it’s raining so my lawn and plants get water

-If you’re going to do it, do it right.

-put the lawnmower away so it doesn’t get wet.

-hating ants so much

My dad preached these things among others while I grew up. Now that I have my own home I’m starting to realize that I am the spitting image of Jimmy and when I tell him that I think I understand him a bit better I’m sure his face will have that eegad look on it, I even find myself giving Ms. Diesel the looks my dad used to give my mom at certain times. Even when I hold my hand in front of me I see his hands, my mannerisms…all Jimmy.

To my dad,

I’m sorry I used to drive my car on to your lawn to wash it…I would have killed me softly not with a song but a sharp implement.

Signed

31 And Starting To Get It

June 9, 2010

This morning for Wicked Awesome we looked back to 2006 when the worlds tallest man stuck his hand down a dolphins throat to fish out plastic it had swallowed…HA FISH! Pun wasn’t intended.

I was going to type on this subject and tell you that after reading that story having to pull dental floss from you pooches pot hole may not seem so bad.

AND THEN I REMEMBERED about last nights head ache.

We didn’t have any Advil left so I asked Jessie if she had anything for me and she pulls out Pamprin (for those of you who are NOT women, it makes menstrual symptoms go away including cramps).

I had concerns about taking a medication that in my opinion could have certain side effects which I thought may include…

-getting my first period.

-growing larger breasts than I have now.

-always thinking I’m right…you know stuff that only happens to women when they hit a certain age.

Rae didn’t think this was as funny as I did…I would like to think it’s cause I’m funnier than her and not because I’m offensive.

Turns out my headache went away, no period, boobs same, I’m never right so we’re good so far.

The one thing I did notice, I’m not sure what it did to my guts (usually helps cramps) but I have never pooped so much last night and this morning, I know this is too much info but I have to let people know what could happen if they are a male and take female meds.

For the record you shouldn’t take meds that aren’t meant for you, unless gramma isn’t looking!

I’M SO BAD!

Signed

Her Meds Couldn’t Be As Bad For You As Her Extremely Old Hard Candy

June 8, 2010

Wow, yesterday show #100 and today blog #200, what the hell have I talked about 200 times, I’m sure some good and some bad, I only hope you will stay with me to see what 200-300 will hold.

If you’re lucky it may be more gold like what you are about to read…

I don’t like to keep Ritz’s peanut butter samich mini crackers in my house anymore.

A week ago after being bitten by a mound of ants decided it was time to fight back, I picked up CIL traps to put down and use as instructed.

After spending a couple of minutes investigating and smelling I figured that the trap was filled with peanut butter and poison.

It is my feeling that if the ants find out I have peanut butter with crackers AND NO POISON they’ll be in the house in no time looking for my snacks.

Signed

If Ants Ever Go After My Chocolate Milk I’m bringing In…RAAAAAAAAIID!

June 7, 2010

Well friends there it is.

Rae-mond and I have just exited show #100.

Rae was happy because she said this is the longest non-relationship relationship she’s ever had.

Believe it or not it’s not easy to take two people and jam them together for literally 8 hours a day, not even like we just work together but we actually do the same job, so we have to coordinate and be on the same page. When someone comes and talks to me I don’t commit until I’ve talked to Rae and vice versa.

Luckily Rae and I have forged a BFF type relationship devoid of all sexual tension you may expect to find with two hot foxes such as ourselves.

Now all I can picture is Garth singing Foxay Laday on Wayne’s world, I’m even making ears with my fingers.

Ok, show # 100, I just called the boss and told him we’re taking half a day to celebrate.

Now Rae and I will go and have food and drink.

Ok we just got a Candy Bouquet that had some sharp metal sticks, Rae picks one up and says after 100 shows we’re gonna play the stabbing game and she gets to go first.

Here’s to another 100!!!

Signed

Here’s To Another 100 And Not Getting Shanked By Rae.

June 4, 2010

IT’S FRIDAY!

NO BLOG TODAY.

It’s my version of a 4 day work week.

Signed

Friday I’m In Love

Ps…I just realized by boycotting Friday’s blog and telling you about it I just wrote one…crap!

June 3, 2010

How old is too old to have a bed shaped like something?

Obviously I’m too old for race car beds…the only reason being they are too short, my feet hang over the edge, don’t think I haven’t tried.

This morning on the net I saw a bed shaped like an igloo and I think I fell in love…that was until I found more beds in more shapes, are you kidding me, a bed in the shape of a jug of chocolate milk. If you’re into cell phones they have those too!

We spend most of our lives (that’s a fact by the way) in our beds, why have it be JUST a bed. Would you be a happier person if you loved shoes and you woke up in a giant red satin pump…is it satin or satan, I just know if I get the wrong one it sounds like the prince of darkness is pumping or red and giant, thinking about it now giant and red wouldn’t be far off I would imagine, we’ll leave the pumping for now.

You spend most of your time in the dog house why not actually sleep in one. ZING!!! That’ll be Rae’s response.

Signed

Now I’m Sleepy

June 2, 2010

Last night on Larry King Lady Gaga talked about how she never fit in and was always made fun of in school for being strange. She talked about her “Monsters” they were her fans and were just as strange as her. She said that during her concerts she starts off by telling the audience that the real freaks are outside and that they are safe inside with her…they were the sane ones.

I read this quote this morning and thought it was fitting not only for what Lady Gaga was trying to say but also life in general.

"My kids are starting to notice I'm a little different from the other dads. "Why don't you have a straight job like everyone else?" they asked me the other day. I told them this story: In the forest, there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. Every day, the straight tree would say to the crooked tree, "Look at me...I'm tall, and I'm straight, and I'm handsome. Look at you...you're all crooked and bent over. No one wants to look at you." And they grew up in that forest together. And then one day the loggers came, and they saw the crooked tree and the straight tree, and they said, "Just cut the straight trees and leave the rest." So the loggers turned all the straight trees into lumber and toothpicks and paper. And the crooked tree is still there, growing stronger and stranger every day."
— Tom Waits – singer, song writer and actor.

Signed

Inspirational

June 1, 2010

Two peas in a pod…

Here is the thing, the other day I was thinking about my lovely lady and how we were as Forest Gump would say “like peas and carrots we is…”. That’s when the saying “two peas in a pod” bounced into my noggin.

The contention I have is that there are more than two peas in a pod, in fact if there were only 2 I could let this go but there aren’t. Assuming peas are just like humans and would like their own space, having 5-6 peas jammed into a single pod seems less than ideal. I would go so far as to say that peas in a pod are a kin to riding a greyhound bus from Red Deer to Santa Ana…I thought it sounded southern. The only way we could be two peas in a pod is if we were an anomaly and only grew to be two peas.

They saying should be more like…

“like two mutated peas in a malformed pod.”

Actually thinking about what Ms. Diesel and I are like that is pretty dead on.

Signed

Deep Thoughts: My Tribute To Jack Handy

May 31, 2010

Sometimes I don’t like Rae’s attitude, she needs to buck up…If Rae is reading this…I’m talking about a different Rae…Rae Liotta?

I realized I had a head cold yesterday when I blew my nose and yellow mucusy snot came out. That is usually my first sign of illness. Realizing this I was thinking about how much better it would be if when you first realized you were sick skittles showed up on the tissue you just blew your nose with. Wouldn’t that be perfect, the hard part would be refraining from eating them, would that be bad etiquette? After all it IS candy, granted it just emanated from your nose and it signaled you being sick but it IS candy…I’M SO TORN AND IT HASN’T HAPPENED YET AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL!

Now for this entire sickness I’m going to be disappointed every time I look in the tissue and don’t see Skittles or an equivalently good confection.

Signed

Taste The Snotty Rainbow

I bet you didn’t think I was going to say nose…HOW RUDE!

May 27, 2010

Our hot tub is finally not green or cloudy…

Funny thing you’ll learn about hot tubs and big bodies of water you are trying to keep clean and clear…

Without chemicals your large tub of hot water is now just an old bath that has grown some sort of vibrantly green algae.

I took in the water to my boys at Harbor Spas, they told me that the water was mostly balanced and ok to be in, they also gave me some stuff too clear it up.

For the record when I got out of the tub my legs were slippery and they slid by each other kind of like when you forget to rinse the soap of your junk* and you get out of the shower…or is that just me, anyway, once I showered we were all good, it didn’t stick around on my body but it’ll be a while before I get that taste out of my mouth.

ALGIE SUCKER!

What a slur, that’s what I picture people will yell at me when they read this.

Algae…IT’S WHAT’S FOR DINNER!

Signed

Al-Gee-Wilikers

*I’m not sure but I think a woman’s collectibles** would be just as slipper but I can’t 100% vouch for that.

**For the record a man has junk and a woman has collectibles, it’s because a mans parts are very utilitarian and not pretty and a woman’s fine bits are beautiful and each woman is like an exquisite sculpture…JUNK AND COLLECTIBLES!

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May 20, 2010

 

An awesome way for your creative side to come out, it’s a Christopher Walkin face that you cut out and glue to cardboard and then affix a popsicle stick or pencil and tada! You have a nice CW mask.

Rae thinks it’s very funny (less the more I do it.), her favorite line that I do is…

“Hi I’m Christopher Walkin did you see me in Click I was pretty good!”

and then to bug her I pretend that Christopher Walkin was in Back to The Future, I know he’s not…here’s my line…

“Hey I’m Christopher Walking did you see me in Back to the Future where I played the professor?”

http://www.brandonbird.com/halloween_treat.html

Try it around you workplace or at home, you’ll be the hit of the pants party.

Signed

Hi I’m Christopher Walkin

May 19, 2010

BLOG…

B- ig

L- oud

O- bnoxious

G- uy

While I was trying to figure out what BLOG could stand for Rae blurted out Big Loud Obnoxious Guy, it hurt, it cut deep.

I was going to go with something fun and creative, instead I’m heart broken and sad.

Someone should tell Rae BLOG could also stand for…

B- e

L- oving

O- ver

G- ollum

The sad part is Gollum is the best I could come up with, I even asked Rae for suggestions on this topic and she refused to incriminate herself so Gollum it was. I don’t look forward to the look I get from her, not for what I said but for the lame example that was involved.

DISCLAIMER: Legal told me I had to clarify that Rae’s first example is pretty much dead on but I reserve the right to dispute this, also I'm not saying she IS Gollum but that she ACTS like him, with the ring being my soul and her thirst for it's bounty her goal.

Signed

Going Down Fighting

May 18, 2010

Rae just spent 15 minutes telling me about an episode of Sex in the City, it was one where there is a club with beds in it.

I just nodded and smiled, I didn’t want to let on that I’ve seen every episode and have them at home still. I left that part out.

She then continued to tell me about this place here in town that has a bed in it, nothing like in the show but a bed none the less, right in the middle of the place, not covered or shoji screened, right there for you to see.

I then told her that I in fact had been the one to tell her that and then told her she’s starting to tell Diesel stories.

Trying to play big shot and tell me a story, how dare she.

Signed

We Need A Bed In The Studio

May 14, 2010

When I sneeze I sound like a girl, a girl trying to hold in a sneeze.

If I don’t hold it in I snot absolutely everywhere everytime, I’m not kidding, like lava she flows.

Signed

I’m So Pretty