September 10, 2010

It’s Friday and I refuse to blog.

Today I’ll be…

-Getting my cabbage cut by Eddie from Magic Cuts in Zellers at Bower.

-Going home to poop and pee Steve and Gurdy…for the record at first I typed “Going home to poop on Steve and Gurdy”, very different, if only they knew how close they came.

-Going to visit Rae at ATB for their opening in Sylvan Lake.

-Home for a hot tub.

-Fire in the pit.

-Smooching with my lady friend.

Signed

If He Chews Another Pair Of My Oakley Sunglasses I WILL POOP ON HIM!

September 9, 2010

NO REAL BLOG TODAY!

Rae and I are practicing skipping, we need our skills fresh for next Wednesday when we host the annual United Way of Central Alberta kick off lunch.

We can’t tell you what it’s for, what we can tell you is that things are jiggling.

Signed

Their Pecks Not Boobs

September 8, 2010

It’s my big brothers birthday today, HAPPY BIRFDAY BIGDAWG!!!!

Ok, onto blog…

I should have gone commando today.

I wore my black dress pants to work, they’re double lined with a nice silk, makes it more comfortable and lets be honest, when you have a lot of money sometimes you just look for ways to spend it.

I always tell myself the one day a week I’m going without under-roos is the day I wear my slick pants that I bought at The Pants Store, I’m pretty sure that’s a real place.

Now my decision, do I…

A) wait until next week to enjoy my freedom.

Or

B) do I go into the bathroom and take off my boxers.

The only problem with B is what do I do with my undergarment after I have it off? I don’t think Rae would appreciate being within a 100 feet of my briefs.

Signed

I Could Make A Nice Shade For Our Lamp Out Of Them, She’d Never Notice, Unless They Smell.

September 7, 2010

If you watch Brad from End of My Leash he’ll tell you over and over again that dogs are not human, they are not children and do not have human emotions, they also don’t have opposable thumbs so many human tasks are out of reach. Some do have dew claws though so don’t put it past a puppy to be able to peel a banana or MC your wedding, they usually can’t hold microphones.

Someone needs to tell Ms. Diesel about this, she will sit and argue with Steve the puppy for an hour. She’ll tell him no, he grumbles back to her. He doesn’t bark he literally will mumble, and she will sit and argue back, she doesn’t yell at him she tries to reason with him.

I call it “hot girl reasoning with a puppy” it’s cute and I love it.

Signed

I Love Her

August 31, 2010

VACATION FOR 6 Days!

I won’t be around until next Tuesday, here’s what I’ll be doing…

-pick up Steve and Gurdy poop

-fix the flashing around the chimney on my roof

-draining and filling the hot tub

-pick up Steve and Gurdy poop

-trimming the shrubs out front

-wash and cover the Mustang for winter

-pick up Steve and Gurdy poop

-clean out the fire pit

-wrap trees and bushes that don’t like frost

-pick up Steve and Gurdy poop

-drink

-play video games

-pick up Steve and Gurdy poop

-re-arrange my Oakley collection

-play the drums, guitar and keyboard in my music salon

-I’M NOT PICKING UP POOP AGAIN!

Steve and Gurdy can learn to use a rake and shovel because if they’re gonna poop this much I can’t get down with them.

The other day I slipped and put my hand down to catch myself…I missed one piece of poop in the whole yard, my hand didn’t miss it though.

Signed

That’s A Tough Smell To Get Off Your Hands

August 30, 2010

I’m hungry, I haven’t eaten yet this morning.

It’s 8:40am, usually I’ve eaten breakfast, lunch and a snack by now, and I only wake up at 8!...naw, we get up at 3am so breaky goes pretty early…

I’m going to have Fruit Loop Doubles, what? Not familiar with doubles?

The yellows in the box are doubled up, it’s like their fruity tasty conjoined twins.

WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK…

My problem is they try to sell it to you like another great new product they spent years perfecting…

WHAT REALLY WENT DOWN…

Some $5 an hour cereal jockey decided to come in hung over, got high at work, drank too much of the flavour extracts or maybe was just making whoopi (not Goldberg) at work and hit the lever that makes yellow’s doubles.

I have been eating The Loops for years and know when something is up, my Toucan senses are tingling and they tell me that someone at the Fruit Loops plant is getting F%@ked up at work and is about to be fired or promoted depending on how Doubles do.

Signed

Never Tell Them You Made A Boo Boo Until You Know How They Feel About The Result Of Your Mistake.

August 27, 2010

Today I got an email out of the blue from a fan of the show that had a very interesting take on one of my theories.

The below excerpt is from the original blog about a week ago…

“August 16, 2010

Someone needs to speak on the dogs’ behalf, I mean whenever they speak you probably tell them to shhhhh. You can’t shush this big dawg. There is one reason cats and dogs are always scrapping with each other. Cats get milk and dogs get water. (I know some cats drink water and some dogs drink vodka but those are only in certain cases)”

This is what she wrote to me…

“Thanks to one of my many mommy friends out there, I learned that humans are the only mammals that drink milk after weaning off breast milk. It’s quite an interesting topic actually. Anyway, that being said….maybe the real reason cats and dogs scrap is because cats just want water?”

What a point! All along I’ve been looking in the wrong direction always assuming it was the dogs fault, see subconsciously even I have it in for dogs.

So there is our new stance, cats are pissy and mad about being stuck with milk and not cool refreshing crisp water.

For the record I’d like a note to be made about how open minded I was about this. It’s not often that I’m wrong. I’m very intuitive, before I was even born I had a feeling Hitler was bad news, in retrospect my mother should have known that’s what my kicking was about and that I was not in fact going to be a soccer player.

Oh well you can’t cry over spilled water.

Signed

Cats Are No Good

August 25, 2010

Quite often Francis the bear was seen taking pictures of his favorite things. He would often take pictures of people, places, flowers and even himself.

Francis the bear had a great nose for sniffing out the perfect Kodiak moment.

Signed

ZingBot “Ziiiiiing!”

August 24, 2010

Have you ever noticed…

When you eat a samich that you like it’s quite enjoyable. Have you ever noticed that if you take that same samich and flip it over (Rae would say “that’s what she said.”) it has a completely different taste?

It’s like eating a whole new samich, I’m pretty sure it has to do with what foods and condiments hit your tongue first. When you flip it over you get a whole new order of food operations hitting your buds.

So sometimes when I’ve only got one samich and I’d like two, half way through it I’ll turn it over and eat it from the other side…NEW SAMICH! The only question is who ate the first half, see it can get confusing.

One of the only exceptions is the PBJ…Peanut Butter and Jelly, because of the rudimentary nature of the ingredients it pretty much tastes the same. The one difference you’ll find is if you eat it with peanut butter on the bottom it’ll be a little stickier and the jam will get lost in the PB and you’ll need milk, if you go jelly on the bottom it’ll act like a lubricant for your samich and you won’t even need milk.

Tuna and egg salad also fit into this category.

Signed

Sir William Samich III

August 23, 2010

I love sugary cereals. They could quite possibly be the actual death of me.

The one cereal I love to hate is Sugar Crips, not only is that bear so smug with the way he glides through the sugary goodness that is the Sugar Crips Factory pool but he always “Mike Posner’s” people because he’s cooler than EVERYONE. What you’re better than me ‘cause you hibernate, eat people AND NOW get to swim in such a succulent nectar? Bull-ship is what I say.

Ok the real reason I’m bitter towards Sugar Bear; his cereal while quite tasty is constantly all over my sox, the floor and now stuck to Gurdy and Steve, that stuff sticks to everything. I’ve been hanging out and there’s a piece stuck to me days after I’ve eaten it. Maybe that’s how they get you, you remember how good it is and it sucks you back in, so evil.

Granted I should change my clothes more often and maybe shower but this isn’t about me.

Signed

The Captain And His Crunch Are Just As Bad With His Razor Cereal, Mouth So Raw – Tastes So Good.

It’s Friday so as per usual I refuse to write a blog today.

Let’s think about things people have refused over time.

-Jesus

-Romans

-British Rule

-Bone corsets

-Witches

-Communism

-Bird flu

-Boy George

-Free stays at a condo for listening to a time share lecture.

-writing a blog

After making this extensive and comprehensive list I’ve come to realize my refusal may not be as prolific as I may have first pictured.

Alright I’m going enjoy Friday 1 & 2.

Signed

So Much For Refusing To Write

How much does Ms. Diesel hate my snoring.

-she sleeps with ear plugs in every night.

-she has slept on the couch, futon and in the Jeep.

-she has gone out to the 24 hour store at 3am to buy more ear plugs.

-she has used toilet paper and wadded it up and jammed it in her ears.

-she has poked me, elbowed me, kicked me and bit my shoulder once.

-she has consulted a physician.

-she has lost sleep.

-she has considered a break.

-she has taken the dog for a walk.

-she has painted one of her works of art.

-she has sat on the porch and smoked.

-she has nodded of slightly until I started back up again.

-she has considered running away.

-she has contacted a hit man.

-she has packed a suitcase.

-she has pouted.

-she has yelled.

-she has wept.

Ms. Diesel has done a lot of things to try and get some sleep despite my incessant snoring.

The other day I pointed out that Steven had eaten 4 of her earplugs and they were perfectly preserved and encased in his poop, some less than others.

This is why when I was about to ask her if she’d use them again I half expected her to at least consider it.

She expelled an “ewwww.” There was no way that was gonna happen.

She will do a lot of things to try and sleep, but she won’t wear poopy plugs.

Signed

Maybe If I Wasn’t 400lbs I Wouldn’t Snore So Much.

Ps…I’m Sure That’s What She’s Thinking.

August 18, 2010

Episodes From The Studio #2

This morning when Ransom came in to take over about 8:51am…

Ransom’s wisdom teeth are coming through a bit at a time and he was just talking about what it felt like. I felt like getting him some Ambisol to help his teeth. I likened him to a teething child, not that he’s immature, one can judge that for them self of course.

Then I thought back to something Rae had said earlier in the morning, we were talking about what Matt looked like as a baby and she said she imagined he was a grown man when he cam out…

This all rattled around inside my head until it dawned on me this was just like one of the greatest skits on Saturday Night Live. Will Farrell played Steve who is a 37 year old baby that was just born to proud parents and then wants to go to Atlantic City with Tracy Morgan and Heratio Sans. SO FUNNY!

So there you have it, Ransom with his wisdom teeth is like a 37 year old still covered in goop and connected by an umbilical cord baby.

Wow…looking back this blog didn’t turn out well for Ransom.

Much love to Ransom.

Signed

Do You Remember Where Steve The 37 Year Old Baby Left His Gold Watch?

August 17, 2010

If you ever wonder what it’s like in the Beat Box Studio with The Krew while songs are playing…here’s a snippet…

Right now Rae and Matt are having a conversation about Brad and Jill.

I have no idea who these people are.

Matt just said “that’s Brad for you…”

Have you ever been in a conversation you don’t care about and you slowly lower your head or back away from the group?

For the record it’s partially their fault for talking about people I don’t know. Not that every conversation needs to relate to me but if you want me to add to the group or for it to be interesting it may be a good idea.

I like to afford them some courtesy though, I will smile and nod for the first minute and then I’m out.

Signed

You Think I’m Listening, I’m actually Thinking About Soup.

August 16, 2010

Someone needs to speak on the dogs’ behalf, I mean whenever they speak you probably tell them to shhhhh. You can’t shush this big dawg.

There is one reason cats and dogs are always scrapping with each other. Cats get milk and dogs get water. (I know some cats drink water and some dogs drink vodka but those are only in certain cases)

When dogs and cats are born they are raised on the sweet sustaining succulence that is their mothers sweet teat that carries the sweet nectar of life…milk.

At some point during a dogs young life it’s decided that they don’t get to drink milk anymore and it’s on to water and that’s bullsh*t!

Someone has to stop this atrocity…wait I’m being told now that if I feed my puppies milk their farts will be way worse and come much more frequently.

Signed

Water It Is

August 13, 2010

It’s Friday and I don’t generally write a blog on Friday’s well I try not to but something always pops up.

NEW JOKE FRESH OF THE DIESEL PRESS.

What does a bear sit on?

It’s Bear-ier!

Signed

You’re Welcome Humour Community

August 12, 2010

I don’t have much time to write a blog today, Rae and I are having a photo shoot for the bus sides. We’re already an hour and a half in and are having a lot of fun. I may have brought a little to many clothes though.

-Batista hat

-suit jacket

-leather jacket with stripes

-3/4 length leather jacket

-purple shirt

-black shirt

-green shirt

-chrome sunglasses

-black sunglasses.

-regular glasses.

We ended up going with striped leather jacket, green shirt, black sunglasses.

They look great.

Home to nap and see the puppies now.

Signed

To Pretty For Words

August 11, 2010

My plan for such a beautiful day includes me at home having some afternoon drinks and then mowing my lawn. Granted it probably isn’t too safe, I mean I won’t be getting rip roaring drunk, just saucy enough to make the task enjoyable…what problem?

If you’re my neighbour I’m sorry if I forget pants.

If you’re my lawn I’ll try and remember where the high spots are so I don’t scalp you.

If you’re my Mail Lady I’m sorry in advance but I’ll be starting a conversation with you today and it’s gonna drag on…and on.

If you’re Rae you’re going to get a phone call just before my nap and probably right in the middle of your nap.

If you are my puppies please, you can have a taste of my face but don’t lick it all day.

If you’re Ms. Diesel I’m not dead, no heart attack, no coma just saucy and tired, my face is wet because the puppies didn’t read this blog.

If you’re Mike and you’re not saucy anymore, the grass is cut and looks great, good job, now go and drink some water you’ll thank me.

Signed

Was Early Morning Mike Just Talking To Future Mike About Afternoon Mike

Ps…does that count as talking in the 4^th person? Is that a first?

August 10, 2010

This morning Rae and I started keeping a Dream Journal for me for two reasons…

1. The new date book we got came with an extra note book and we didn’t know what to use it for.

2. At the same time, being 4am I had just awoke from a weird dream. We have a client that reminds me of a movie villain, he looks the part. In my dream he was standing on a catwalk above me in the commercial voicing studio (there isn’t a cat walk there) and he was yelling at me because I wasn’t saying part of his slogan right. You have to say it like this “The ONLY place to shop, not the only place to shop”. Apparently it was how I was saying it.

It’s now in the Dream Journal under Villain. Well it’s just a V but for now it’s the villain section to us.

Signed

Don’t Yell At Me I’m Trying My Best

This is what I call a niche blog, of course Rae calls it a nitch blog but I think there’s no t and with it being French and have an accent either egoo or agrave (that’s not right) means that the ch is more of a sh sound and of course I am the official word on everything French, I mean I worked an on location this weekend and one of the sales people had a French accent, point made.

My niche blog is not actually about the word niche, it’s about my new hat.

It’s a very specific reference, Dexter.

I bought a new hat from Nomad’s in Sylvan lake and it looks exactly like the one Batista wore in the show, I would just hope if I ever had to choose between being a Captain and loving Leguertta I would go with my career, to be honest while Leguertta was hot enough, she was a little trampy for my taste but she did have le passion (said with a Latin accent like Batista, make that Latiny heat accent.)

My hat rocks but it’s hot in the sun, maybe it’ll help my thinning hair sprout some new cabbage, it’s like a hair hot house.

Signed

Huggy Huggy Kissy Kissy

Ps…spell check just checked niche and not nitch but I won’t admit that to Rae when she points it out and she’s not aloud to read this.

Pss…ok, now Rae just said she was messin’ with me about me being wrong and then I realized it may a French thing and that Word doesn’t recognize Canadian words, colour no good, color ok, it’s crap Bill Gates pick it up you Jack.