July 29, 2010

Rae was just dancing, she was singing and doing the cabbage patch…

The cabbage patch was a dance circa the early 90’s.

Although when I said Rae did the cabbage patch your first question was probably “did the cabbage at least take her out for dinner first.

OHHH SNAP!

Signed

Vegetabley Clever

July 28, 2010

I love baths, I used to be up to 3-4 baths/foot baths a day, I had a problem.

Ever since getting a hot tub things have been less bathy around my crib.

That being said in the morning I still like my foot baths, they’re warm, soothing and a great way to start your day when it’s 3am.

I usually will rest my elbows on my knees and nod off. This morning I decided it would be better to sit up…I nodded off…I fell backwards.

Thank god I didn’t hit my head on the toilet right behind me.

Thankfully I put my hand back by instinct and caught myself, I caught myself by splashing my hand and arm into the open toilet. Now my feet were warm and cozy and my arm was all pooy watered, ok it was clean but still that’s where bodily refuse resides.

Signed

Be Careful When Napping It’s A Toilet Out There.

July 27, 2010

I have been searching so long for someone just like you…

Ms. Diesel?

Rae?

Chocolate milk?

NO!

I have a very nice collection of Oakley sunglasses and watches, and for the last 4 years I’ve been looking for an Oakley display case which believe it or not are very hard to come by. Usually the people in the store will keep them for themselves or you’ll see one on eBay for like 800-2000.

Yesterday I got the call from THEE BEST SKATE SHOP THIS SIDE OF THE TALAHASEE; NOMADS in Sylvan lake hooked it up big!

Steph and Mark are thee coolest ever and anytime they need their sunglasses stored my display case is always open for them, or if they need a place to sleep when they go bankrupt from giving away cases…what? Too soon? Lol

I won’t tell you how long I made Ms. Diesel help me with merchandising last night, and yes that’s what the kids are calling it these days.

Oh and check this out, there is a light in the top of the case, I made Ms. Diesel hold the garbage can as I emptied out thousands of little bugs that get caught in the light fixtures…turns out I dumped it on her, she was sooo grossed…I couldn’t blame her but she sure blamed me, I laughed on the inside and when she wasn’t looking.

Signed

Shop At Nomads

July 26, 2010

I’m sick, I’ll probably run out of tissue, I’ll probably use my shirt.

It’s not pretty sure but just like blowing your nose when you want to taste something while it’s in your mouth and you’re sick, we’ve all done it.

Also I find when I’m sick Rae takes pity on me and doesn’t threaten to kill me.

Signed

*cough cough*

July 23, 2010

Keep in mind we got about an hours sleep last night after the KRAZE Birthday Bash…

Rae and I were talking about safaris and how you can have a tiger come right up and put his paws on the vehicle, she said she’d like to pluck out a whisker.

I told her I wanted her to pull enough whiskers to re-populate my thinning forehead.

Ok get this, hair plugs with tiger whiskers…I’ll say it again in case you missed how cool this is or the gravity of this idea.

TIGER WHISKER HAIR PLUGS FOR MEN!

Signed

I’m Not Only The Inventor I Will Be A Client

July 22, 2010

(a side note before we start, I will dedicate this blog to Halette, one of my first girlfriends and for some reason her favorite number was 222. This is blog 222, should I explain more? SOMEONE GET ME MY WHITE BOARD!)

This morning we were messing with Matt.

We were about 2 minutes from the news and we page throughout the station that there’s 5 seconds til news.

This made him say “oh sh*t!” and run full speed for the Beat Box Studios.

When he came in we said “JUST KIDDING!!!”

He called us some names and to be honest Rae and I had only heard 1 of them before, we think he was swearing at us in Klingon.

We then said how funny it would be if he tripped and broke his leg while he was running in.

We decided it would have been funnier for Rae and I than Matt.

Matt left the room and hasn’t returned.

Signed

Was It Something We Said?

Ps…he’s probably lying in the back with a real broken leg, that’ll teach us! Ok it won’t, he’d be the one in the cast.

July 21, 2010

This morning (4am) I came in and joined Rae to start prepping the show. I was wearing a shirt that until then I hadn’t realized was way too short, she was going to spend the morning looking at my belly and my brown suga.

Then I put on the shirt that Mr. Mikes had brought up yesterday, the length was good, the arms ok, the chest WAY TOO TIGHT!

Rae then says to me “I can see your nipples.”

I looked at her and told her she had a choice; A-see my belly all morning and enjoy my belly fur. Or B-have me in a shirt that keeps no secrets about my large puffy nipples.

I’m trying to remember what Rae chose…wait!

I just told her what I was writing about and she told me to tell you what she actually said…”whatever makes you comfortable Diesel.”

She was very nice about it and to be honest I’m pretty sure she was taking secret pics with her new iPhone so she could go home and relive her moments with my belly and nipples.

Signed

She Wishes

July 20, 2010

I know a guy that works at a public establishment and has a whiteboard in his office.

He has no kids.

There were teddy bears drawn poorly as if a 5 year old did it with I love you written beside them.

I was informed it was a message from the girl he was dating.

I told him to check her I.D.

I would shy away from any woman who draws rainbows and ponies when she signs her name.

Signed

Red Flag

July 19, 2010

(I find it rather co-winky-dinky-ish that I’m typing my 219^th blog on the 19^th. Enjoy.)

*see the picture we speak of at Kraze Mornings - The Krew Facebook page*

You may see this picture and assume some photographer had set up this scene so he could capture it on film himself.

The picture is from the 50’s and has a panda bear on a chair behind a camera while a little boy sits for the picture, the boy is crying presumably because after he has his picture taken he thinks he’ll be eaten, understandable.

I don’t think this was the work of some kooky photographer. I like to think that the panda bear (Mooky-son) was a celebrated artist that lived at the base of Mount Fuji; he from time to time went into town for supplies but rarely stayed for lunch. His work on weddings was treasured and this left little time for his other hobby, dressing like a raccoon and vandalizing the neighborhood.

I like to think that while he was patient with the boy in the picture he was also stern. While holding up a cute little human doll to make the child smile for the moment the panda couldn’t help but swear at the child who now was drooling on the light blue blanket the panda had brought from his own den.

While the boys mother wiped drool from the young chin the father jokes with the pand-tographer about the episode of The Simpsons when Homer dresses as a panda bear and is “loved” by other pandas for Mr. Burns’s amusement. The Panda wouldn’t find this funny, he would give the man a dirty bear look in disgust, contemplate eating the man but decides that may be bad for his career, the boy feeling the tension in the air starts to weep. The bear grins and snaps one final picture of the boy in tears, grabs his tri-pod and camera and storms off while muttering the words “I’ll send you the pictures…”

Signed

I Hope He’s Available To Do My Wedding

July 16, 2010

Usually I take Friday’s off from blogs because I instated a 4 day blog work week.

I can however tell you that this weekend I will be…

-Hanging a towel bar in our main bathroom.

-Trimming trees

-picking up poop

-mowing lawn

-painting a room

-having a fire

-hot tubing

-cocktails…

Ya the list gets better as we go.

Signed

I Love Friday 1 & 2

July 15, 2010

One of the things I love about Rae is how she is unpredictable and spicy! The following is a transcription of exactly what just happened in studio, Thursday, July 15, 2010 7:36am you are now behind the scenes with Diesel & Rae.

Without me saying a word here is what came out of Rae.

*Dancing*…Dollar dollar billz ya’ll…raaaaa(cat noise)….MOM!....Dollar dollar billz ya’ll…I hate this keyboard, what do you want from me…now I forgot what I was going to look up…ahhhhh(crying noise)…*slamming on keyboard*…*dancing*…

After about 5 minutes of silence she bops in with…

Ski-di-lee-bop bop bop bop, boo-doo doo da lee doo da…

She scared me.

Signed

Randomly Rae

July 14, 2010

What I’m about to tell you is a true story. Not even the names have been change, I am not concerned with their privacy.

When I was home (Surrey) picking up the Mustang I was at my sisters, her friend Melanie was over.

Melanie and her hubby Trevor have a young son Jeffrey that’s just learning to sound things out.

Jeffrey was showing us how he could say his full name and was sounding it out slowly.

Jeffrey’s full name is Jeffrey Dickinson.

Signed

The Rest Is Up To You

I’m assuming although he doesn’t know where to poop or pee and still doesn’t know his name Steve (our new puppy) WILL be able to find this blog after a short time searching.

To Steve,

We can’t tell you how much Ms. Diesel and I have enjoyed having you in our lives the past 2 days. That being said you really should know that peeing everywhere is NOT acceptable. When we got Gurdy she had very small poops and they DID NOT smell at all and she knew right away where to go. I understand that you may not know where to poop or pee yet but you SHOULD have known better than to take a big wet poop on our long beige shag living room rug, we even call it our “nice” room. What exactly are you eating besides the puppy food we feed you? I get that poop shouldn’t smell great but you take odiferous offensiveness to a whole new level.

If you don’t clean up your act we’ll have to turn you into a puppy fur rug, this may sound harsh but come on…he’s 8 weeks old, clumsy and new to this world BUT THAT IS NO EXCUSE!

Signed

Diesel Lying On A Puppy Fur Rug In Front Of A Fire Place, Sexy!

Rae just found a dancing pole on Kijiji…

The ad read…”snatch this one up ladies”…also “you can bolt it or just screw it in”.

My question was whether it came with brass polish.

At that point Rae and I started throwing out things that one could wax a pole with…

Signed

Enough Said

June 29, 2010

The hung sign on my door knob will read…

GONE DREATING UNTIL July 9^th.

Dreating =  Drinking + Eating

That first sentence really sounds bad but isn’t, quite impressive.

Signed

Hung Sign

Ps…The funny part is Rae wants to be on vacation with me but she just got back.  The funnier part is I’m going to ask her if she can post this blog which will really sting, like a paper cut from a peso…it hurts because the exchange is bad.

If she posted this then you’re reading it, if not you never knew this existed.

RAE:  I may have posted Diesel’s Blog but I’ve also put a piece of ham in his drawer under his pens, happy dreating Diesel!

Once in a lifetime two people come together and create something special.  Arnold and Danny, peanut butter and jelly, tik and tok, Justin and Bieber.

 I thought Rae and I had found that, then I call and you don’t answer, every ounce of me felt like it was cramping it hurt so bad, then I realized I was kneeling and my hamstring in fact was cramping and did hurt, I need more potassium in my diet. 

It turns out her phone was off, I maybe went a bit overboard when I broke up with her on the air, luckily enough she didn’t hear about any of it. 

She brought me fudge today and now I like her again, normally I would hold a grudge but it’s imported…from Ontario, classy. 

Signed

FUDGE ME!

June 24, 2010

I have just come across pieces of bread that are shaped like hands, imagine if you were to cast yourself from the wrist to the finger tips but instead of plaster it was bread you were captured in.

Their called bread gloves and I suggest you search it on the net and see the pic for yourself.

The only problem is seeing the guy holding them it looks like HE is holding the samich ingredients and he’s about to eat his own hands, is this too close to cannibalism? What about bread shoes? Would it be weird to eat from feet?

How about a bread head, where you opened the cap of the skull, placed your ingredients inside and then ate the head-wich. A zombie’s lunch is what it could also be called.

There’s the line _______ , I’m about to cross it…

What about a bread baby?

Signed

Bread Puppies Even?

June 23, 2010

A German student "mooned" a group of Hell's Angels and hurled a puppy at them before escaping on a stolen bulldozer, police have said.

-From the BBC

I read this post that was pulled from a story the BBC ran.

I would like you all to draw me a picture of what you think this scene would have looked like if you were a witness.

I’d also like to imagine that the puppy knew that he was carried in a holster on this guy’s belt for just such a situation, every day before he left his kennel he’d look in his puppy mirror and be like…PUPPY UP!

I see the puppy flying through the air with his ears pinned back looking for his target, target acquired…COLD PUPPY NOSE HO!...apparently he’s a pirate puppy.

Signed

Send Your Rendering To diesel@kraze1013.com

June 22, 2010

It started out as Ms. Diesel and I going to Vernon to see Ransom get married.

Then we decided to buy my dads convertible Mustang from him.

We decided to drive it from Langley, BC to Vernon, BC and then on to Red Deer.

Driving a convertible for 15 hours over two days with the top down and sun hitting my forehead I’ve learned a few things…

1. Sunscreen your forehead.
2. A convertible is just a like a boat on land, it has the same feel especially when spending prolonged periods on the road with sun and the top down. I called it the Road-boat.
3. I like to throw my garbage right out the top, I mean besides the obvious of it being there for that reason I like to the think you pay more for a convertible for small conveniences just like this one.

NOTICE: To all bugs. If you find yourself flying by my ride and decide to stop in for a ride, I WILL SQUISH YOU! I’ve already had to do it and I’ve even left the carcass there to serve as a warning to all that follow it. (THIS GOES FOR YOU TOO BIRDS!)

Signed

Can You Tell Which Of The Previous Statements Was False?

Honorable mention to Ms. Diesel who has a seat belt burn, it looks like she’s wearing a sash. She also has one burned ear and one side of her neck is also red.

June 17, 2010

Skattle Call

A new segment on the show.

What a name, we can’t stop saying it…don’t look at Rae she’ll be rolling her eyes, she can’t stop saying it either trust me. Sorry, I should say Funky Town can’t stop saying it.

Think skatting meets calling our Krew members out with an on air skatt battle, it will equal fun, but not like the sweetener Equal because it tastes funny, we’ll taste just fine…wow that took a turn.

Signed

Look For Skattle Call Every Wednesday Morning